Moving On…

My name is Steven Kliot and I am a recovered alcoholic, addict, and a sinner saved by grace. Prior to my time at Tikvah, I was resident manager of a different sober living home for about 18 months. When I first came to Tikvah, it was as a reference interview for a friend of mine who was trying to secure a spot in the home. Since I was almost at the end of my commitment to the other house, Dennis asked me what I would think about moving in. I hadn’t anticipated this question and my answer was, “let me pray about it.”

This response was such a massive change for me, that I was almost surprised to hear myself say the words. As I mentioned earlier; I am a sinner saved by the grace of Jesus, but I haven’t always been or felt that way. In order to get the full picture of just how impressive a restoration this has been, let me tell you a little bit about myself and my life before coming to Tikvah House for Men. First of all, I did not grow up in church. My parents never reconciled their faith differences and decided that they would not push us into one direction or the other. Therefore, pretty much my only experience with church was when I would sleep over at friends’ houses who were churched. Looking back, I realize that in the case of my one friend, I was never allowed to spend the night on Fridays, only on Saturdays, and only if I was willing to go to church with them on Sundays… Needless to say, I did not feel particularly close to God as a youngster. As I grew into an adolescent and young adult, I had pretty much devoted myself to the idea that God was nothing more than a fairy tale for dummies and a crutch for the weak, and a haven for hypocrites. Later, in college, I took up the study of Philosophy and was going to prove that I was right.

Also, I should add that as a child, I always felt like I was defective. I don’t know why I thought this way; but as early as I can remember I felt less than, defective, apart from, angry, and rebellious. I was abusive verbally and physically to my parents and siblings. I was taken to so many psychologists and psychiatrists in those early years that I began to believe even more strongly that there was, in fact, something VERY wrong with me. Toward the end of my High School career, I began to drink occasionally and to smoke pot regularly with my buddies. This I started to do mainly because they did, and I wanted to fit in. As I began to indulge in these substances, though, what I found was a solution to my anxiety, awkwardness, and selfloathing. When I drank and when I got high, I felt OK. I wasn’t focused on what was wrong with me or why I wasn’t good enough. I didn’t feel like I had to excel so that others wouldn’t see my defects. I didn’t feel anything, really, and I LOVED IT!           

When I got to college, and had no one to answer to, I began smoking pot daily and drinking very often. My first year I was still doing fairly well in school, but when I moved into an apartment for my second-to fourth years, my grades began to fall, my substance use began to increase dramatically, and the variety of substances to which I had an affinity grew, and grew rapidly. I eventually dropped out of school altogether and thus began the “Dark Period” of my life.

I’m not going to go into all the grimy details for you; because, honestly that’s not what’s important. What is important is that over the next fifteen years or so I was caught in this downward spiral of addiction, isolation, and self-hatred. I built walls high and I built them thick. I didn’t want help, I didn’t need help, I wasn’t going to get help, and besides that there was no help for a guy like me. Suffice it to say, there wasn’t much HOPE for a guy like me.

It was dark. I was miserable. I had always been miserable. At the behest of my parents (with whom I was living with again) I got back into counseling and the guy told me that he thought I might have a substance abuse issue. Can you imagine?!? Everyone else saw substance abuse as my problem—when to me—the substance use was the SOLUTION to my problem. Anyway, he suggested I go to some 12 step meetings. I begrudgingly went, and that’s where I first started getting confirmation that there was never going to be a good end to this situation.

You see, right from that first meeting when they talked about a “Higher Power” and “God as I Understood Him” I saw this for what it was: watered-down Christian brainwashing. Thanks but no thanks. But, you see, as my misery increased, so did my desire for a solution and EVERYONE I asked or talked to assured me that the ONLY answer to the addiction problem was going to be found in those meetings. So I went. And I listened. And I made excuses, and I half-measured their program and I got no results. I even stayed sober for a while. And miserable. In meetings I was surrounded with people who were happy and sober; I was sober and miserable… Because God wasn’t real, and God, apparently was the only thing that could help me. Quite a Catch 22, eh? So for years I was in this place where I wanted to be sober but I also didn’t want to stop getting high. The people at the meetings kept talking about “God as I Understand Him.” I didn’t understand Him at all. So I began to seek out what that might mean for me.

I had begun looking, but I was still living for me and getting high daily. About this time I had an experience that in hindsight can only be described as miraculous. I didn’t know it then but I do know now that this conversation with this man on that night forever altered the course of my life. The result of that interaction was me darkening the doors of a church for the first time since I was a kid. As it turned out, the Pastor was a guy with whom I had a tangential rlationship with in my High School days. I remember being weirded out by the whole church experience, but at the same time, I really liked it and decided that I would go back.

I got involved in my “home church” before I even knew I had a “home church.” I started helping out after services stacking chairs and moving things. I got to know people. And then like any good drunk will do I stopped doing those things. At some point I started getting high again. Even though I wasn’t making fantastic choices I still had a group of fantastic people surrounding me. I was still a regular fixture at church, I just thought that what I had experienced here was good, but like everything else in life just loses its luster. I struggled mightily, and the people in my church loved me enough to let me fall but were still there to encourage me to keep going. Every time I reached out, there was a hand there to grab a hold of. They showed me through their examples what it meant to be a Christian. What it meant to love like Jesus loved.

So then what? Well, turns out it’s pretty tough (though not impossible) for God to work in the lives of people who are still self-absorbed and self-centered, and I was REALLY really good at being both of those things. Ultimately, as a result of my decisions, I was convicted of a Felony, and I went to jail AGAIN in the winter of 2015. I got letters and cards and encouragement from people from my church. I was being lifted up instead of looked down upon. I heard stories of their struggles and trials, and got to know some people like never before. Ultimately, I learned that everybody struggles through life and that what we struggle with isn’t nearly as important as us struggling through things together, as a community.So, what is my life like today? Well, first of all, I have been Clean and Sober since Nov 17, 2015. That’s quickly approaching 3.5 years! I have begun to rebuild relationships with my family; and my brother and I who hadn’t spoken for years have been hanging out every week or two for a couple of months, grabbing dinner or catching a tribe game. My boss constantly reminds me that I am an asset to the company and that I am an amazing testament to the restorative power of Jesus Christ. I am active in my church, I have been the stage leader for Vacation Bible School at my church 2 years running, and I’m signed up for this year as well. I lived in and managed a sober living home for 18 months, trying my best to BE an example to other Men of the remarkable transformation available to them through Christ.

I currently live in this Christ-centered recovery home operated by Friends of Recovery. Although when I came into the house I had anticipated becoming the resident manager for the house; that opportunity has been given to my friend and brother, Mark (who you may have read about in the last newsletter).

It has been so rewarding to have lived here over the past (almost) year, that I can hardly express it. To be in community with other believers, to help others grow in their relationships with God, to see others wrestle with their faith in the way I did for so long and be there to continue to encourage them knowing who waits for them at the end… I am beyond blessed to be even a small part of what’s happening here.

There is a LOT happening here! Constant opportunities to help, to volunteer, to participate. We are all so excited to be in the process of acquiring property for the future Arukah Home for Women! There will be countless ways for you to help us fulfill this mission; to provide hope, healing, and restoration to women who God has already chosen. Also, JourneyMen (and SisterHood for the ladies) on Tuesday nights gives me an opportunity to get involved in a community of believers, and get to work serving in the Kingdom.

UPDATE (Post Tikvah):

Every once in a while, some people get lucky enough to have an experience that forever alters the course of their life.  That is a really accurate way to describe my experience as a family member of the Tikvah Home for Men!  I moved into Tikvah in July of 2018; fairly stable in my recovery, yet at the same time kind of afloat without much clear direction.  During my stay at Tikvah I was stretched in directions I never thought possible.  I learned a lot: about myself, friendship, responsibility, accountability, brotherhood, faith, family, fellowship, and a LOT about God. 

Being a resident allowed me to become more secure in and confident about my recovery.  Having a safe place where I was shown unconditional love and support—despite my struggles—and in spite of myself was something that I will always value and cherish.  The comradery and brotherhood that grew between me and my brothers will surely last a lifetime.

One word I never thought I would use to describe myself is “homeowner.”  Therefore, it was with a bit of apprehension, excitement, fear, and nervous optimism that I decided to apply for a mortgage and begin looking for a place to call my very own.  With Dennis, Sue, and my [Tikvah] brothers cheering me on I worked through the process of getting approved for a loan, looking at houses, and finally making a decision to plant roots of my own in a place that I can call home!

I’m writing this letter from that new home; and while I’m still scared, nervous, excited, and sometimes lonely, I look around often and wonder how a guy like me could be so blessed.  We serve a wonderful God who is still in the business of working miracles, and I’m living proof!

From the bottom of my heart I’d like to thank EVERYONE involved with Friends of Recovery for all of the love and support I’ve been shown.  I can say with absolute certainty that I would not be anywhere near where I am today without the loving guidance of my FORNEO family!

I’m Praying God’s blessings for everyone reading this!